The Ultra-Secret ME Episode-breaking Session
Warning -- Extreme Parody Alert (Nov. 2002)
With groveling apologies to the talented, awesome, hardworking staff at ME
INT. ME Studio DAY
We see a battered conference table and chairs. Several people come into the
frame and take their seats around the table. We recognize JOSS (dressed
like Xander), MARTI, DOUG PETRIE (he's wearing a cool black ops outfit),
JANE ESPENSON, DAVID FURY (wearing a t-shirt that says "Serial Killer in
Prison"), DREW GODDARD. The absent writers are, well, writing.
JOSS: Ok. Fall Sweeps. (He picks up a cup of pencils and balances it on
his head. Everyone pretends not to notice when the cup crashes, spilling
pencils all over the table). We need a mission statement. What d'you say
we team up and drive the fans crazy?
ALL: (Everybody looks at each other and shrugs) Okay.
JOSS: Cool. You, New Guy. (picks up a pencil and points it at DREW
GODDARD). Go to the whiteboard and make a list.
GODDARD: Me? But I've got a website. And minions.
JANE: Dude. My minions could whop your minions anytime.
FURY: Mine, too. With mustard.
DEKNIGHT: (pokes his head in the door) My minions could toast everybody's
minions, and they'd do it without pants!
JOSS: Focus, people. No time for fun and games. I'm running three shows,
MARTI: Right. Torturing the Fans. Put that on the list. Suffering.
Tears. Rough sex.
JANE: That's so last year, girl.
JOSS: Pain is never out of date. Write it, New Guy.
GODDARD: (scribbling on whiteboard) "Never go for the kill when you can
for the pain."
JOSS: (to Marti) See? I told you the kid was good.
PETRIE: Ok, listen up. I've got a cool idea for Sweeps.
JANE: (snorting) Bring back Riley?
ALL: (collective groan)
PETRIE: (pointedly) Spike. The fans want Spike. Hot, Snarky, Not-Crazy
JANE: Forget the fans. *We* want Spike. (Marti nods eagerly. The
cast quick sidelong glances at each other).
PETRIE: So we give 'em what they wish for.
JOSS: Yeah. Really give it to them.
MARTI: The big angst sandwich.
PETRIE: With fish.
JOSS: And shoes. Write that down, Kid. Production note: hang a painting
of a pair of shoes on the wall where it'll be over James's left shoulder as
we shoot him.
PETRIE: I'll pull our copy of Restless -- there must be some shoe symbolism
in there somewhere. When Spike was swinging, did we see his soles?
JOSS: No clue.
GODDARD: (writing frantically) Wait. I thought every shot in Restless
JOSS: (rolls his eyes). Sure. That's our story and we're sticking to it.
GODDARD: Cool. Can I write this Spike thing? I want to write more
episodes. Is he still evil?
FURY: (patting his t-shirt proudly) Of course he's still evil.
MARTI: James loves to play evil. And I love to watch, especially from real
close up, on the set. (snags a pencil from the table and sucks absently on
the eraser end) With the evil. And no shirt.
JANE: Can I say something? I'm not totally on board with this Spike should
be evil thing. He's been through so much, and he's tried so hard. The fans
expect to see some payoff on that this year.
FURY: Yeah, like some of them want him -- wait for it -- redeemed.
ALL EXCEPT JANE: (howl with laughter).
PETRIE: And forgiven.
(Even Jane is having trouble keeping a straight face now).
MARTI: And loved. (She can barely choke the words out). As if! They
expect, like, happily ever after!
PETRIE: (intones) The King of Cups expects a picnic. But nobody ever
FURY: (stops laughing and glares at Petrie ) Don't be a geek.
PETRIE: (Picks up a pencil and flies it around zippily). I am trying to
get us back on track. Inquisition -- torture, as anyone on the web knows.
JANE: Yeah, isn't WilliamthePoet always dropping dark hints about the
JOSS: (eyes narrowed) Who is that guy, anyway? (Looks slowly around the
table) None of you would happen to KNOW him, would you?
(Everyone squirms and looks uncomfortable while darting sly glances at one
PETRIE: Point is, in torturing Spike, we torture the fans. Which is fun,
right? (beat) Oh come on! I'm not the only one who thinks it's fun.
FURY: (nods) Better than sex.
JANE: Better than ice cream.
MARTI: Or chocolate.
JOSS: (darkly) It's about power. We have it, the fans don't.
(Everyone takes a moment to relish the power)
MARTI: Whoa. Headrush.
JOSS: So, moving right along here, Spike starts killing again. And the
Scoobies, naturally enough, suspect him.
MARTI: Yeah, so they chain him up and torture him. They can pour holy
water all over his bare chest so he smokes and burns and writhes sexily in
FURY: Hello, Repeato-girl. Been there. Besides, (dreamily) Angel writhes
much better than Spike.
MARTI: Well, maybe we can tie Spike naked to a rack and stretch him so he
tries to writhe sexily but can't?
(Everybody zones as they contemplate naked Spike)
JOSS (snaps out of it) I say we keep it simple. Buffy beats him up. End
JANE (sarcastic) As in "YOU -- smack, punch -- DON'T -- jawbreaker blow --
HAVE -- fist, knuckles, slam, crack -- A -- bruise, slam, blood-spurting --
FURY: Soul, schmole. He can choose good, but he won't. Spike is EVIL.
So, can I write the episode where Spike starts killing people again?
PETRIE: You're supposed to be writing for Angel. Go push Fred into a
GODDARD: I'll write it! I'll write as many episodes as you'll let me
write. Can I write it, please?
MARTI: Uh, Suicide Girl here. If pain, violence, and torture are involved,
I'm all over that action.
FURY: (scoffs) Like you're the only one who can do pain, violence and
MARTI: (huffily) I flayed Warren.
DEKNIGHT: (from down the hallway in the AtS room) I killed Tara, beat
Spike up in the alley, and Almost Raped Buffy. Top that, wimps.
JOSS: C'mon, get serious. When it comes to the pain, you're all amateurs.
Innocence? Becoming, part 2? The Gift? I'm the guy. Case
Reverent silence. Then...
PETRIE: True, you're the guy when it comes to torturing the characters. But
when it comes to torturing the fans, I got you beat. Two words: demon
A pause in the action as this sinks in. Then, slowly, everyone nods
JOSS: You got me, Doug, fair and square. I can't wait 'til they see the
plot twist we've got scheduled about *that.*
FURY: Yeah, it's gonna rock. Major league.
MARTI: (enthusiastic) And we had it planned all the time. It's even
*legitimately* foreshadowed in Restless.
JANE: It's brilliant. And the fans never even saw it coming.
PETRIE: We totally rock.
MARTI: We should get an Emmy and beat the fans over the head with it.
(Everyone savors their total rock-osity)
GODDARD: So...can I write the amazing Demon Eggs Plot Twist? I really want
to do more episodes. I love it when you work me really, really hard!
JOSS: Doug's got it covered, kid.
MARTI: Getting back to the torture, I think we should pull out all the
stops and *crucify* Spike. He did the thing, you know, in Restless? And we
got that cool foreshadowing bit in Beneath You. We could, like, lash him
till he's all covered with sexy wounds, and then we could drive nails
through his hands and feet -- Evil Xander can do that part -- and he'll be
all naked, and --
JOSS: Down girl. We're saving that for the finale.
Linda's other Buffy Stuff
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