|Parody of Buffy season seven script (based on pre-season 7
spoilers for the first episode)
Episode One -- Lessons
BUFFY: You built this place? Right over the wreckage of our old
school? Xander, what were you thinking? If the San Andreas Hellmouth
opens again, all these kids will be sucked into hell.
XANDER: What's a few vamps and a big snake or two, Buffy? It's high
BUFFY: It's Dawn's high school. I can't allow -- wait, are you wearing
XANDER: You like? (pulls out a wad of cash) Check this out.
BUFFY: That's an awful lot of crumpled presidents.
XANDER: I'm making ridiculous amounts of money, Buffy. I think the
universe is rewarding me for saving its ass last spring. Everything's
falling into place. Except one thing... do you think there's any
chance Anya will give up the vengeance mojo now that I reek of
BUFFY: Whoa, rich boy. When I save the world, I don't get great jobs
and major community construction contracts and designer clothes and --
and riches. It's not fair! My life sucks.
DAWN: Who, her? (walks by quickly, accompanied by geeky Goth girl
(KIT) and cute, awkward Hispanic guy (CARLOS) That whiner? My
*sister*? No way. Never seen her before.
BUFFY: (Watching Dawn, misty-eyed) Look at them. Aren't they sweet?
They're just like we used to be. Willow, you, me -- the original
XANDER: Really don't wanna go there, Buff.
BUFFY: All they need now is a vampire with a soul.
PRINCIPAL WOOD: Hello, people! You must be parents of some of our fine
Sunnydale High students. I'm the new principal.
BUFFY: Wow, you must be evil. Or else, you're really nice but you'll
PRINCIPAL WOOD: Excuse me?
BUFFY: Um, no offense, but are you sure you want this job? I wouldn't
recommend... uh-oh, you're not gay, are you? Because even straight
white guys don't last too long in your position. What did you
say your name was?
PRINCIPAL WOOD: (smiles uncertainly but decides to cut her some slack)
Principal Robin Wood. And you are?
SPIKE: Robin Wood? Is that Robin Bloody Wood of Sherwood bloody 'hood,
SPIKE: Hello, pet.
XANDER: Get away from her, you evil, vile, soulless, disgusting,
monstrous, revolting dead thing with a bigger dick than mine!
BUFFY: Ohmigod, Spike, your hair. I LOVE your hair. It's so -- so
disheveled and sexy. (Frowns and controls herself). You left.
SPIKE: Yeah, well, I'm back.
BUFFY: I thought you were gone for good. Your crypt was, well, either
torn down or still intact on the set, depending on which spoiler
source we believe.
DAWN: (running down the hall, stake raised high) Spike! You raped my
sister. I am SO gonna kill you.
SPIKE: (falling to his knees and spreading his arms wide, like a
cross). Put me out of my misery, then, Bit, before I brood myself to
death. That girl in the coalbin? I lied to you. I didn't send her to a
good home. I slashed her throat and drank her dry and picked my teeth
with her bones. And I wasn't even hungry. I'd already killed her
parents and her little brothers and sisters and her aunts and uncles
and the neighbor's cat. I can't live with myself. I can't eat. I can't
drink. I can't bleach my hair. I deserve to die. Stake me quick,
Niblet, before I turn into Angel!
As KIT and CARLOS watch, DAWN plunges the stake into SPIKE's chest.
Everyone stares in shock, horror, delight (XANDER), and other assorted
Sunnydale facial expressions, but SPIKE does not dissolve into dust.
Instead he sinks to his knees and moans.
BUFFY: First lesson, Dawn: when you stake a vampire, aim for the
heart. It's lower down, just south of nipple territory. (Jerks the
stake out of SPIKE'S chest). Here, I'll show you.
SPIKE: Bloody hell. (Throws his head back to look into BUFFY'S eyes)
Right. You know where my heart is, luv. (Tears his shirt open to
expose his naked chest). You've ripped it out often enough.
BUFFY: (A little breathless) You shouldn't have come back, Spike.
SPIKE: I know. Couldn't help myself. Fool for love, remember? Roses
are red, violets are blue, Angel's a wanker, and now I'm one, too.
SPIKE: (Getting into it) Our two souls, therefore, /Which are one,
endure not yet /A breach, but an expansion /Like gold to airy thinness
No one moves. They all stare at Spike, mesmerized.
SPIKE: "A Valediction Forbidding Mourning." Donne.
XANDER: You're done, all right, dead boy. Buffy, gimme that stake.
PRINCIPAL WOOD: Wait. Our poetry teacher got his throat torn out last
night, you don't suppose...
BUFFY: (whispering) Our two souls?
SPIKE: Long story, luv. Not important. (Thrusts out his beautiful pecs
again). Come on. Do me.
BUFFY: (raising the stake unsteadily) If you hadn't --
SPIKE: Yeah. Well, I did. So finish your job, Slayer. (Smiles and
gives her the look that was soulful even before he had a soul) No
worries. Can't think of a finer way to go.
BUFFY pivots and thrusts the stake into the chest of PRINCIPAL WOOD,
who turns into Glory, then Ben, then Glory, then the Master, then
Warren, then the Mayor, then a big snake, then Mr. Trick, Principal
Snyder, Darla, Jenny, Larry, Harmony, and everyone else who ever died
on the Hellmouth. As the special effects die out and everybody gets
their BtVS Season 7 credit for their filmographies, BUFFY dusts off
her hands and pockets the stake.
BUFFY: He was evil.
KIT: You rock!
DAWN: Buffy, how d'you know?
XANDER: Duh. This is high school, kiddies. Grown-ups are evil. Except
us, of course.
BUFFY: And Giles.
SPIKE: And me. I'm not evil. I have a soul now.
BUFFY punches SPIKE in the gut and kicks him in the head. He groans
and rolls into a wall, which gives way, due to Xander's shoddy
construction. He falls deep into the basement underneath Sunnydale
High while BUFFY walks off triumphantly with XANDER, DAWN, KIT and
SPIKE: <sighs> Home, sweet home.
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