A Midsummer's Nightmare, with apologies to William Shakespeare...and Joss

by Linda R. Barlow


ACT ONE, SCENE II. Sunnydale -- PRINCIPAL WOOD'S office.

Enter PRINCIPAL ROBIN WOOD, ANDREW, JONATHAN, DAWN, CARLOS,
and KIT

PRINCIPAL WOOD

Is everybody here?  I'll call the roll.

JONATHAN

(aside, to ANDREW) The Big House. Sunnydale High School. Again. This sucks. It's like, repeato-vision.

ANDREW

Shut-up, short-cake. He's looking at us. (whispers) I told you we should've gone to Mexico.

JONATHAN

I guess community service is better than prison. As for Mexico, we tried that. Remember truck driver guy?

ANDREW

If you ever tell anybody –

JONATHAN

Like I ever would. We're cool, dude. You saved my ass. Literally.

ANDREW

(softly) It wasn't that bad… (dreamy look)

PRINCIPAL WOOD

Here is the roll of every student's name, which is thought fit, through all Sunnydale, to act in our little play before Joss and Marti, on his annual Not Nominated For An Emmy Day at night.

JONATHAN

Not Nominated For An Emmy Day, I get, but why's it have to be at night?

DAWN

Joss is evil.  I knew he was a vampire. Can I slay him?

JONATHAN

No way!  I love Joss!

DAWN

(to Principal Wood)  Who are you, anyway?  How do we know you're not evil?

PRINCIPAL WOOD

Everyone on the web says I'm supposed to be Puck, but, you see, I'm not Puck.  (mysteriously) Someone else is Puck.  As for whether I'm evil, you'll all just have to wait and see.

JONATHAN

Just get on with it, ok? Read the names of the actors, and grow to a point.

ANDREW

(Stares at Principal Wood's crotch and snickers)

PRINCIPAL WOOD

The school play this year is the most lamentable comedy and most cruel death of Pyramus and Thisby.

DAWN

Bor-ing. Like, what, are we sending a vampire with a soul to hell again? I thought the show was gonna be happier this year?

JONATHAN

Hey, that play's very good. Not as good as the original Star Wars, but, hey.

ANDREW

You're such a loser, loser. Everybody knows that Star Wars, episode four, may have broken some new ground, but it had that wooden Princess Leia  – how lame was she? The Death Star blows up her planet, man, and she's all, "Oh, no! Billions of my people just died…la la la, that Han Solo is pretty sexy, isn't he? Let's recruit him to the Rebel cause."

PRINCIPAL WOOD

(giving them a stern look) Don't talk until I call on you.  Jonathan, evil warlock and petty criminal?

JONATHAN

Here. So what part do I get to play this time?

PRINCIPAL WOOD

You, Jonathan, are set down for Pyramus.

JONATHAN

What is Pyramus? A human, or a vampire?

PRINCIPAL WOOD

A lover, who kills himself most gallantly for love.

JONATHAN

Well… ok. That's a part I haven't played before. The romantic lead?  Sweet.   I'll bring the house down.

ANDREW

That's been done already, dumb-ass. (Dreamily) That Spike is so cool.

PRINCIPAL WOOD

Andrew, demon summoner and also petty criminal?

ANDREW

Er, present.

PRINCIPAL WOOD

Andrew, you get to be Thisby.

ANDREW

Who's Thisby? A nicely muscled super-villain? A Jedi Knight?

PRINCIPAL WOOD

It is the lady that Pyramus must love.

ANDREW

Uh, you want me to play a girl? No way. Why would you think I'd even want to play a girl? I'm not gay. You don't think I'm gay, do you?

PRINCIPAL WOOD

Sociological studies have shown that most cross-dressers are not gay. Didn't they teach you anything when Principal Snyder was running this school?

JONATHAN

Look, if he doesn't want the part, let me play Thisby! I don't mind a little cross-dressing for a good cause. I can do it – I'm a really good character actor – Joss has used me for all sorts of parts ever since the original pilot that never got shown.

PRINCIPAL WOOD

No, no; you must play Pyramus: and, Andrew, you Thisby.

JONATHAN

(disappointed) Fine.

PRINCIPAL WOOD

Kit, trouble-making Goth girl?

KIT

(drags on a cigarette and blows the smoke in Wood's face)  Yeah.

PRINCIPAL WOOD

Kit, you must play Thisby's mother.

KIT

Whatever. Like I'm really gonna show up.


PRINCIPAL WOOD

Carlos, token Hispanic stud?

CARLOS

(preens himself and grins at DAWN, who smiles back)  Hey.

PRINCIPAL WOOD

You're Pyramus' father. I'll be Thisby's father.  Dawn Summers, shoplifter, truant, and potential destroyer of the universe?

DAWN nods eagerly.

PRINCIPAL WOOD

You have the lion's part. And that about wraps up the cast.

DAWN

I'm the lion? Hey, cool. I thought I'd be stuck as the damsel in distress again. So, you mean I really get to slay this season?

PRINCIPAL WOOD

No, you just get to roar a lot.

DAWN

Ok, I can do that – listen: GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!!

(Everyone cowers and covers their ears)

JONATHAN

Let me play the lion too: I will roar so well that Joss'll say, "I really want to bring back the Geek Trio again – weren't they great?"

ANDREW

Dude, you suck. We so don't need Joss's attention – if he likes you too much, he kills you off. (Whispers) Especially if you're gay. I mean, look at Tara.

JONATHAN

Don't trash Joss!  Joss should get an Emmy and beat you over the head with it!

DAWN

(annoyed) Look, you're not Superhero Jonathan anymore, ok? You're not even lame-ass trying-to-be-evil Jonathan. So shut up before I start whining.

(Everyone cowers and covers their ears again)

PRINCIPAL WOOD

Either you play Pyramus or you make license plates, got it, kid?

JONATHAN

(sulking) Yeah, I got it.  But I still think I could play any part in this play and do it better than the rest of you geniuses.

PRINCIPAL WOOD

Good, then, here are your parts. Go home and memorize them by tomorrow night, then we'll meet in the woods, by moonlight. We'll rehearse there, for if we meet downtown, everybody'll guess what we're up to. In the meantime, I'll draw up a property list, so we'll have all the stuff we need for our play. Be there or you get detention.

JONATHAN

This could be fun!  We get to act all brave, and maybe the girl'll like us and we'll get some.

PRINCIPAL WOOD

Remember, we meet in the woods, that is, the fake woods in the parking lot that doubles as a cemetery.

DAWN

We better bring stakes.  (fingering the stake she's secreted in her jacket) At least somebody's letting me hang out in Sunnydale after dark.

Exeunt.

END ACT ONE

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